I'll be your best kept secret and your biggest mistake [entries|friends|calendar] mindy [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[16 Feb 2009|01:10pm] so 2nd semester of nursing school is pretty much terrible. i heard that 2nd and 4th were the hardest but i went in with a really positive attitude. things had been going great until last week. monday we had an anatomy test and i studied a good 7-8 hours for it. i studied the same way i have for all his tests since i also had him last semester. i took it and almost cried because things came from nowhere on it. tuesday morning i nurse shadowed and hated it. all she did was pass meds to old people. it worried me but then i realized id rather jump off a building than work med-surg. i want to do something radically different. tuesday afternoon we had a nursing quiz and i didnt study too much for it but i had made notecards. i got a 100 and was so happy. but then i got my anatomy test back and it was a 60. deff lower than i thought. now since i got a 100 on my quiz i was like wow, imagine what i can pull out on the test thursday if i study. so i studied my ass off. took the test and i felt okay..i get so overwhelmed. but youll have that when you have 4 right answers and you have to choose the BEST one. the grades were posted later and i got a 72. let me tell you something about my school. they grade on a hard scale where a 72 is a d. plus, to move on in nursing you must get a 77% in the class. a 72 is tragic, and it means ridiculous failure. so then on friday i take my pharmacology quiz. i always get a 100 on my dosage calculation quizzes. theyre easy. well, i got a 90 because i didnt read the damn syringe right and filled it in at the wrong spot. that really isnt a huge deal it just added to my week. i went home friday and i just cried. i let it all out. i didnt do any homework over the weekend which felt wonderful. and im meeting with my nursing instructor about my test tomorrow. i dont want this semester to defeat me. im always trying to keep a happy face for jess and tell her we can make it through but deep down i dont know that i can. and on another note i am the ONLY person in my clinical group who has not hung an iv bag and or given an injection. when its my med day all i ever get are by mouth meds. i think im the only one out of 55 people in my nursing class who hasnt given an injection on the clinical unit. im getting so frustrated with everything and everyone at school. when there are 55 of us, and we have every class together and we see each other monday-friday. its ugly. we get stressed and annoyed with each other. i hope this week proves to be better. i hope i can bring myself up from all this and make it thorugh the semester. on a happy note, if i do get through this semester i get to play with babiesssss next semester! we FINALLY will start having specialty rotations. next semester is OB/psych, and 4th is cardiac/pediatrics. i have also passed all my check offs so far on the first try. jess and i only have 2 more and we will be done this semester thank goodness. check offs are the worst. we have ng tube insertion thursday. and its a long one. nooooo fun. gave up

[29 May 2008|10:32pm] well i signed up to get info about being a "big sister" i dont know why i got this overwhelming feeling of needing to help somebody but i did. i want to inspire somebody, i want to change someones life. i want someone to look back on their life and go wow..mindy helped me so much im so glad she was there for me. ive also pretty much decided...thought the location sucks major..my dream and goal in my life is to work at st. judes. im inspired by children especially ones with cancer. most of them are so optimistic because they dont really understand. i want to help either give them their life back or give them a good life for what time they have left. i remember when i was about to get surgery my dr gave me a reindeer stuffed animal. i still have that and i still rememer that day 13 years later. i want to make an impact, even if its small. im glad i have my heart back. for a while there i was selfish, mean, all the things i never used to be. thats all out of my system though. im glad i decided on my nursing career. i think im going to do great things with it. gave up

[29 May 2008|07:46pm] i am very sad. yesterday while watching dr phil he talked about the new campaign he and his wife are sponsoring. it is called casa and its an organization that helps abused and neglected children that are being put in foster care. you pretty much do the role of a social worker and take a case at a time. its all volunteer but i wanted to do it, i really did. but..you have to be 21. boooo. gave up

[21 May 2008|08:39pm] a few months ago i got my birth control changed. i used up all my samples and when i went to get it filled i found out it was 5o dollars. so we called to get a generic. the dr gave me what she claimed was generic. i took it and got ill. terrible headaches, naseuous feeling all the time. and most noticeably, in a 2 week period gaining a ton of weight. i went to the dr and when i was weighed i had gained 15 pounds. 15 pounds in 2 weeks. 2 fucking weeks. the dr told me the gyno had given me a pill with double, almost triple the proestrogen which was causing my headaches and my weight gain. i was taken off it immediantly. the effects of this are quite sad really. i broke down the other night realizing what i have done to myself as a result. if i am able to get myself out of bed and to school, i do not stay. last week i didnt have a sweatshirt, so i couldnt stay for chem and lab. i had to go home, go home and sleep. at the mall with joe the other day i was so uncomofortable in my clothes i looked for something to buy when i didnt find anything i made him take me home so i could put on my sweatshirt before we went to chris and jennys. this sweatshirt has become my enemy. this kettering sweathshirt i find myself in every single day at some point. i hold tight to it. im fucking my school up. im digging a hole. im risking everything with kettering by skipping chem all the time. when i was hanging out with lauren and morgan i felt uncomfortable. i felt like i weighed 700 pounds. i just couldnt even be there anymore and i had no sweatshirt to put on. the jacket wasnt enough. im not saying i was ever skinny i think we all know i have never been such. but i was ok with everything, i was happy. ive never felt so lost and confused. ive never felt so sad and upset. dieting is so much easier said than done. its a vicious cycle. im an extreme emotional eater so my feelings make me want to eat. so there goes the point of a diet... gave up

[07 May 2008|04:58pm] it is conversations like this that make me want to stay with joe. if only just to spite that stupid cunt. i hate her so much. i dont know her and i hate everything about her. she has DESTROYED our relationship. 15:31] Alectricia: why didnt you give me the chance when i deserved it? why have i always been 2nd place at best? [15:32] GaReS tAyLaN: i really dont want to do this right now [15:33] Alectricia: joe, i always listen to you. i always back off when you say that. but i dont think i should this time. you've been ignoring me and it hurts. we hardly talk and it hurts. i hardly see you anymore and it hurts. [15:34] Alectricia: i know you are with mindy right now, and that is fine. i can accept that, i am a big girl. but whatever decisions you are making aren't going to help you. [15:34] Alectricia: and i dont say this just because its me, i say it about anyone. [15:35] Alectricia: ive told you before and i'll say it again without any hesitation. i am in love you joe. *in love* - and im sure you arent in love with me and i accept that as well [15:40] Alectricia: but when are you going to realize that you are setting yourself up for heartbreak? youve told me that mindy doesnt act like the same person that she used to. you have said yourself that she doesnt act like she appreciates you. she doesnt get excited to see you and she doesnt care if you sleep in the same room as her anymore. [15:41] Alectricia: i know im not perfect by any means. every person has their flaws. and i dont expect you to or want you to get with me if you were to break up with her as it isnt about that. i think you are in for a world of hurt [15:41] Alectricia: she is pulling you along [15:45] GaReS tAyLaN: I think you're wrong [15:46] GaReS tAyLaN: I dont think she would do that to me [15:47] Alectricia: Look at how indecisive SHE has been! She called you indecisive? Look at her. Look at yesterday. She ignored you most of the day and then she was hot and cold joking an dhaving fun one second then pouting and blaming it on her headache the next. Do you really want to live like that? [15:48] Alectricia: Then you tell her it bothers you and she says nothing? Goes to bed without you ignoring you AGAIN? Doesnt even try to get you to come into the bedroom AGAIN? Blows you off when you wake up in the morning? She doesnt know what she wants Joe. Honestly, I dont think she is *in love* with you and I think she misses what she had with her friends. I think she wants to be with them and party and she doesnt even care about you that much anymore. [15:49] Alectricia: She used to be infatuated with you. You told me that yourself. She wanted to spend every second with you and now she doesnt even seem to care that you are in the same vicinity as her [15:50] Alectricia: You apologize, you buy her flowers and gifts and take her out to eat and tell her how much you love her and call her pet names and you do everything she wants you to do.. but it isn't enough. That is when you have to say enough is enough Joe and get out before you get hurt. Shes going to pull a Patti or a Jess and leave at the last second. [15:50] Alectricia: There is no pleasing her anymore Joe because she doesnt want to be pleased by you anymore. [15:50] Alectricia: She CANT be anymore [15:54] Alectricia: Please say something to me [15:55] GaReS tAyLaN: I'm not giving up, Kat. I chose her. I am still choosing her. She is the one I'm going to be with. I told you I didn't want to do this in person, I'm sorry. gave up

the oppostie of love isnt hate it is indifference [02 May 2008|09:00pm] i just want to be alone. its all i want. i want so bad to be in my bedroom at my parents, surrounded by the oc posters and pictures torn out of magazines of actors and fashion ads. i want my glittery walls with my vogue and milan pictures. i want my small yet cozy bed so i can snuggle up in it. eat a brownie earthquake and sob while watching the oc or the notebook. joes every action and word is getting underneath my skin and driving me nuts. can someone please give me a time machine? take me back to kent so i can transfer to toledo? if i knew then what i know now..i would have NEVER moved in with joe. ever ever ever. im so lost and confused. i dont want to break his heart but i dont want to break mine either. 1 |gave up

[30 Apr 2008|09:00pm] i think the real reason i want to run to toledo for school is that i am scared. of a few things actually. the most prominent thing being: mindy in nursing school? wtf. im the girl that was supposed to coast by with a few b's, mostly c's. get a glamorous job in nyc and rest on pretty. make my life be dominated by clothes i wear, the people i hang out with, and the martinis i drink. but no. i decided to make a bold decision. i decided to apply to nursing school. i took a nurse aid class, and when i got to clinicals, i fell in love. my first patient was sam. i had so much compassion for him and i wanted to help him. he was frustrating at times and difficult but we developed a bond. and nothing will replace the feeling of everyone knowing this and coming to get me to help with the hardest task for him which was oral care. i would go i nthere take his hand and he would smile and it was all okay. sam made me realize i was going to love this work. nursing school is already hard, but ive always needed to work harder. i am going to be frantic. im at the best nursing school so i want the best grades so i can get my dream job of being a pediatric oncology nurse. im also scard that maybe joe is the one. he said hed never stop fighting for me. that means so much to me. i know joe wants to marry me. but he knows when i want to do it so i am not worried about him trying too soon. its all very confusing. all i know is i am going to go to kettering, do a kickass job, and get the job ive dreamt of. im not going to let anyone get in the way of this. but i will always heart toledo and im seriously considering doing my bsn there after kettering. i have a medical condition called ibs. i found out today, but i already knew. oh well. tomorrow i get drugs that will knock me out. sounds okay to me i suppose. oh yah, fuck chem. i hate it so much. ive failed my last 2 tests. no more of this. i need a c in that class to go to kettering. i just hate sinclair. i have 0 motivation there..it fucking sucks. gave up

[23 Apr 2008|08:58pm] i know so many people are wondering why i cant just break up with him. here is the story. i came home from toledo sunday night sure. sure i was going to break it off. he wasnt here when i got home so i unpacked, and went to bed. i was woken up by him shaking me. i looked at the clock, it was 12:41 am. i asked what was wrong because even through the dark i could see he was upset. after 5 minutes he told me he thinks we should end it, and i agreed even though i started to cry. but through the hard conversation we decided to stay together. i dont think i wanted this. when i went to work monday i sat there dozing away while doing charts. i could smell his house in the summer. the mix of the way he smelled and the way his house smelled with what his mom was making for dinner. the smell took me back to the excitement i felt driving over there. i was so ready for love. so naive to the thought of how paiful it can be. i thought of the bomb pops melting in my mouth. the refreshing and cooling quench of the pink lemonade his mom always bought us. i thought of snuggling on his bed. the first night we watched wrestling. watching him play video games. the new movies he introduced me to. which then took me to the middle of july. to chili's, then harry potter. then watching the karate kid and it just happening. the first time we slept together. him asking me if i was okay.then i thought of later in the summer. sneaking into his window every night so we could just hold each other as we slept. thats all i ever wanted. someone to hold. then i remember the night he told me he was in love with me. i cried and told him i loved him too. then the night i left for school. i told him i forgot my cell phone as we walked out to my car. i laid the envelope on his bed. inside it contained the poem top of the world, lyrics to here without you, and a letter containing my true feelings. joe was so amazing once. he was so kind and caring. i know i can find him again. yesterday he bought me a dozen roses with a card that said i love you so much you are my one and only someone. i really dont know what to think anymore. fuck love. im adopting asian babies with rach and lauren. gave up

[15 Apr 2008|09:02pm] sunday before he came home after talking to tony, i had it all planned out. i was going to break up with him. i had my mind made up. i thought of going to toledo and living with lauren, mars, and chelsea. in my mind, it was all over so when he came home i said nothing. i ignored his presence. and finally, at 11 it all blew up. i got it out and he looked upset for the first time EVER that i was as hurt as i was. there was no yelling. there were tears, whispers. he didnt say much, he was crying. and so i held him as i cried too. i could tell he was sorry for once. i brought him to bed and curled up next to him. he grabbed my hand and whispered i love you. for the first time in a long time. then he said im sorry and i didnt mean to hurt you. those are sentences i have always wanted from him and never gotten. we cried and fell asleep together. now he seems better. hugging me, thanking me for going to speedway and getting drinks, giving me a kiss. i hope this is a turning point for us. and toledo. oooo toledo. something almost seemed like it clicked there. like ohh...this is so right for me. this is what college should be like. maybe it was being around lauren since shes familiar to me and im so close to her. but something was right. im not allowed to go there. at least not now. im going to give kettering a fair shot, it was a miracle i got in and i dont want to give it up. so maybe ill stay a semester, maybe ill finish there and get my bachelors at toledo. im taking life one step at a time. i hope that no more fighting with joe, lauren and rach coming home, and just a more serene feeling about me tings will unravel the way they should. but i am going back to toledo friday! i can not wait! im bringing my crunk cup. sharing a bottle of wine with mars again, snuggling my boo in her scary lofted bed. trashing their room. and doing all the things ive been missing out on. blasting music as you get ready to go out. going out to a party in general. having too much to drink. dancing. meeting new people. i want that. but i also want joe. i want everything. gave up

[04 Apr 2008|08:59pm] i've been finding myself turning to religion lately. it's weird. i have never not believed in God but i have always hated the christian pushers-and i still do. the religion question on ketterings application got me thinking. and i prayed everyday to get into kettering, and it happened for me. then on wednesday night my mom, kathy, myself, and dr retzios went to the viewing of one of our favorite patients. his wife told the story of how he passed; mr. aleshire was getting weaker by the day but still holding onto life. on saturday he looked out the window and asked his wife to take him out for a drive. they drove around for 3 hours and it made him so happy. when they got home and she was walking him up the ramp he told her he couldnt do it and needed a chair she went in and got him one and he sat down and nodded off. she shook ihm and got no response, he was gone. her neighbor called the ambulance and at that exact moment her children pulled up to visit. almost like her angels to take her to the hospital and not have to go through it all alone. its stories like that that make me believe. mr aleshire was the most amazing person and he had the most beautiful passing. now i am going through all this with joe. we broke up again on tuesday and sidnt get back together until last night. the stress is taking a toll on my body. im overeating, have terrible migraines, naseua, stomach pains. im praying everyday for an answer of whether to continue this relatinship or not. i begged him to take me back which i never should have. i knew either way id be unhappy and figure this way i wouldnt have to break a lease, worry about packing up and leaving, and going to my parents. but he has one more chance. one more chance and if he hurts me again its over. i used to imagine spending the rest of my life with ihm and now i cant iamgine spending one more week with him. im taking a much needed visit to toledo to see lauren next weekend. its something i really need and have needed to do. i hope that one day the answer comes to me because i made a bad decision. i really hope that somehow, someway i get the answer that i need. gave up

[31 Mar 2008|09:39pm] so joe and i are back together. but thats not why im writing. im relflecting upon my shocking admission to kettering. i remember talking to jenny, joes sister in law who is a nurse, about where to go. she advised strongly against wright state and reccomended kettering. i told my mom about it and we scheduled a visit to the campus. the very first thing the guy said to me after hearing my intended major was "okay, getting accepted into the nursing program is VERY competitive." he said they barely, if ever, take anyone with a gpa below a 3.5. i dont need to lie here, i was a slacker in high school. i took no classes to prep me for anything, and the classes i did take i didnt care about. this led my high school gpa to be an impressive(ha!) 2.75. the absolute minimum they would take for the program. but, thnakfully i did pseo, causing my sinclair gpa to be a 3.3. close, but not so much. he told me fall was the hardest to get into. with over 300 applicants and they only take 100. but in winter they have less applicants and take 50. i left discouraged and decided to not even apply, i didnt have my bio and chem or anything. but, my mom pushed me to apply. i spent hours working on my essay. on the essay about success i couldnt think of a successful time so i wrote instead about how id define success as getting into kettering. and on the religious essay i gave my true feelings on how i feel religion associates with nursing. i talked about how dreams change and it may not have been my dream forever, but it was one i was now passionate about. the dr i work for wrote me a reccomendation about me on a personal and professional level since hes known me since i was 5. and i sent it all in, and i waited. when my mom told me it came mybody went numb. having had a bad day at work i felt like it was going to be bad news. when she told me i started to cry and freak out and i still can not believe it. ive been given an opporunity. for some reason, they have taken a chance on me. im glad i know what it feels like to just take a risk, take a chance and actually achieve it. ive never felt this proud of myself and i looove it. yay me! gave up

[31 Mar 2008|02:29pm] when the words came flying out of his mouth last night it hit me like 100 needles. he wanted to break up. its not like i couldnt see this coming. were both unhappy because things are different, were different. but weve never tried to fix it. so as i was bawling and he wouldnt give me answers i did what was so familiar to me. i opened the closet, grabbed my vera bradley duffel bag and frantically started shoving my scrubs and things i need to get ready into it. i grabbed chloes toys, put her in her kennel, and we were gone. the tear filled call to home while drving there seemed to come easy to me. since ive lived it at kent state. and when i got home the smell hit me like it used to when i came back from kent. i never notice the smell of my parents, but i did last night. and my mom held me as i cried just as shed done all those times i came home from ksu. i went to my"bedroom" and i put that in quotes because its painted, re decorated, and doesnt look anyhting like the way i left it. i climbed into my bed with the new sheets and they felt scratchy to me. they werent my old worn sheets. it was so cold with no warm body next to me, so very lonely. i cried myself to sleep. i woke up and drove home and as soon as i walked in it all felt right. there were empty beer cans in the trash, his pillow and blanket i got him for xmas on the couch. he slept there. i assume he missed me if he couldnt dare sleep in that bed alone. i walk in the bedroom. bed was made. i got to work sad and started crying as kathy hugged me, congratulating me on my acceptance and comforting me. as work went on i started realizing i want him. im not confused, i want him. i just want it to be different, things have to change. so i sit here, about to lay down until he gets home. sleep will pass the time more quickly. i have no idea whats going to happen but i know that i cant have us apart. my heart cant do this. i hope he listens, i hope he talks. but mostly, i hope we become the people we were in the summer because neither one of us are those people anymore. 1 |gave up

[28 Mar 2008|07:09pm] i got into kettering! very exciting news there..and something i totally did not expect at all. unfortunately my wonderful news was shit on by joe who did not care, at all. and just so everyone knows, he was not always like this. he used to be the most amazing person in the world who i could see cared for me unconditionally. i want the joe back that sat me down and cried as he told me he had fallen in love with me. the one who held me while i sobbed a few hours before leaving for kent state, the one who asked me to come home, and who held me after i did and asked me if i was happy. now he is mean and acts like he gives 2 shits less about me. i really hope one day he realizes how badly hes hurting me. gave up

its wrong and i really shouldnt...but.. [26 Mar 2008|10:17pm] ( i miss this so much ) i wonder if ill ever get over it. its been 1 1/2 years and it still hurts like hell everyday. the only thing i can do is realize i had the wonderful experience of knowing what it really feels like to live. the kind of live where you cant keep the smile off your face, and your heart is beating really fast and you want to freeze the moment and live it forever. where you feel like your in a movie because life is so picture perfect and you know others have to be envious. but unfortunately i also know what extreme heartbreak feels like. to be happy when it rains because the world is feeling as sad and depressed as you are. to despise the sunshine because thats when it hurts the absolute most. i think i need closure. answers. why they did this to me. a month after getting back from the cruise i gave up paris for. i just want to feel whole again. gave up

[23 Mar 2008|12:11am] fashion will always be my first love in life. there are no words to explain the way i feel walking into express and when i start putting outfits together. its like a high for me. i think of nothing else and just float through the store with all these ideas running through my head. that probably sounds really gay to most people but i mean, whatever. thats really the way i feel about it. i hope one day i can do somethig with fashion. after i have a stable life and what not. i gave upup on it now, but that doesnt mean i have to give up on it forever does it? gave up

[22 Mar 2008|11:55am] Sometimes, I dont know why im here. I sit back and wonder if i should be at kent state. i know i did the right thing in changing my major. 2 years ago fashion was perfect for me. i had that bitchy way about me people in the fashion world do. i could have coped with the mean girls and the malicious ploys to get ahead. but now, i cant. and i knew i couldnt after being exposed to all those girls and relaizing i would be dealing with them for the rest of my life. before i met lyndsey and nicole i was a genuinelty nice person. but once i met them i gave all my niceness away. i turned on friends, was mean to people i didnt even know, i completely changed. and i think over the summer after finally picking up some of the pieces of emotional hurt from my life, i became that nice person again. i feel like i have the biggest heart in the world. i want to help people. i have compassion. i find myself donating to charities where i know i would have walked away and ignored them. i find myself crying while watching a sad commercial about homeless children in africa. thats how i know nursing is right for me. i have the compassion to do it. i find out from kettering in the next few days and ive never been more scared.i will be so dissapointed in myself if i dont give in. thats one more semester i will be away from achieving my dream. but heres the big question i have to ask myself. should i have moved in with joe? we get along for the most part. we argue a normal amount id say. we have fun most of the time. but joe has stopped expressing his feelings for me. he sits on final fantasy all night and ignores me while i watch tv or get on facebook. i just feel like i have to push him to want to hang out with me or want to even talk to me. everytime i try to talk to him about it he tells me im being gay or something. never wanting to get serious about things. then theres kat. he jokes all the time about cheating on me with her. which is whatever i know he wouldnt but shes in love with him. and he hung out with her after work yesterday just to spite me. he went to the mall with her, he wont even go to the mall with me. he chose me over her and sometimes i think he regrets it, espeically since her lukemia is gone. i just odnt know what to think. i want things to work out but hes goibng to have to change if thats ever going to happen. im too stressed for problems between us. but i guess all relationships take work. on another note. i miss my best friends. i drove by the mansion on brown street today. i thought of rachel and the times we had partying at ud. and i thought of lauren and how i wish she was happy and how much i miss her. i cant remember why i wanted to graduate so bad. i had it made. i had my best friends and a good fun careless life. id do anything to go back to that. now i have my friends away from me and bills to pay. i dont want to grow up. i just wish time could have frozen at certain points of high school. gave up

Doubt anyone will read this, but oh well, here goes [12 Mar 2008|10:04pm] i havent written in here since i was a junior in high school. i was mean, stuck up, and too cocky for my own good. im a college freshman now and many things have happened since the last time i wrote an entry. and if you care to read my babbling and possible bitching and moaning then proceed. i've never written these things and i think getting all this out is going to be therapeutic for me.. junior year was by far the best hs year of my life, possibly the best, aside from the cairee days. what made it so good was that i became confident, i had my 2 best friends, my on and off "boyfriend", who was also a best friend and i just felt so sure. i felt like i held everything so when anything minor happened to me it became the end of the world. lyndsey and nicole were amazing. we could make anything fun, and i just clicked with them so well. so on went my perfect junior year and then junior year summer, which was pretty amazing to. maybe you have to understand the essence of our friendship to understand the hurt this all caused me. maybe i am overdramatic, i dont fucking know. these girls were my sisters, my mom saw them as daughters. so for my 17th birthday, we went on a cruise. mind you, i chose to go on a cruise with them OVER going to paris with my french class. paris, the one place i may never get another chance to see, i threw it all away on them. the cruise was fantastic, we had so much fun. the beginning of senior year was good too, i thought that everything was going to be even more perfect. on septemer 7th(yes, i remember the date), we were all at work and lyndsey looked at me dead serious and said "i dont need you anymore" i knew lyndsey so well, i knew this had to have been a plotted thing and that she meant it, she was through with me. i went home in tears and knew it was all over. i didnt go to school the next day, or for many other days. im not going to get into all the details because its just too painful and i honestly, cant remember them all. lets just summarize and say their goal was to make my life a living hell. they called and harassed me, turned everyone against me, and made me so scared to even walk down the hall. im a sensitive person, and they knew how to hurt me and oh my good god, did they ever do it. i remained quiet, going days at school without saying anything. i came home, cried, and spent all my days, nights, and weekends, utterly friendless. january rolled around and being sick of being alone, i found myself friends with lauren again. she introduced me to rachel, and a new trio became. rachel became a new best friend to me and i still love her with all my heart. the end of my senior year was good, i wouldnt call it great. i was still going through all these emotions. and between november and february...was circuit city... circuit city was the job i ran to after the fight, because i didnt want to work with them anymore. my cousin got me the job at the end of october, and i took it happily not even thinking about the consequences. those being, here i am a girl who loves fashion, pink, and anything girly, working in an electronics store? if you know me you might think hmm that probably didnt go so well for mindy..it went beyond terrible. my department was right next to the firedog kiosk. firedog is cc's version of the geek squad. whenever i had a question, which was A LOT, i would go to firedog and ask. the guys that worked it were tom and chris, and their friend tim from tv's was always over there. i noticed after the holiday season them getting meaner and meaner, i came home everynight crying. i went to work and got things thrown at me like batteries and other hard items. they would verbally abuse me, one time saying i was "a worthless piece of crap" i didnt know how to react to this, so i usually would walk away, already emotionally drained from lyndsey and nicole. my department was in a corner and i would go to the back where no one could see me and have small panic attacks. one day i went into work and this guy came up to me, he worked in the department that was on the other side of firedog, he was always standing there talking to them but he was never mean to me. he said he would give me hr's nubmer and even talk to them for me. he told me he thought what they did was so wrong, this guy essentially saved me from this hell. his name was joe. circuit city got fixed and while i never enjoyed my job, i tolerated it. but i then found out those 3 guys had a "game" and it was to get me fired, to quit, or to kill myself. i didnt let this defeat me a whole lot, and it honestly didnt surprise me. so i continued there until july when i quit on the spot due to more harassment. see, joe was layed off for "making too much" in june. after he left they saw it a free reign to mess with me. but i left before it got too out of hand again. now onto now, or what led me to now. i remained firends with joe after he got layed off and helped him through rough times. i could see him defeated the way i was, and i couldnt turn on him like everyone i know did to me. so i stuck around and i am happy to say, he is much better now, and happy. but somewhere along the way of helping joe,and hanging out with ihm all the time, we fell in love. he told me 2 days before i left for kent state. my one and only dream, my ticket to the fashion industry. this made goingt to kent state soo hard but i still wanted it.it was all i ever wanted especially since everything that happened with lyndsey so i could get away. i got there, loved my roommate, we made friends with 2 other girls on the floor and i started having some really good times. but the other 98% of the time i was miserable, crying all the time and calling home. i went home every weekend but one. and finally, after having a panic attack before having to go back the last time, my parents decided to let me drop out. it was hard leaving my friends and i miss them so much. i get asked by a lot of people if i left for joe and i really do not know, so here is my theory. i think i was too defeated to be there. i was emotionally drained and im close to my family so being 4 hours away from them killed me. however, i missed joe so much too. i think that if there was no joe, i could have pulled through. but i dont think i left just for him. i dont think i was ready to be there and go away. i think i needed some time where i could restore my emotional self back to normal. so here i am today. i moved in with joe. i work at the dr's office my mom works for and im working on getting into nursing school. my life is busy, and i like it that way. i would be lying if i said i didnt often think about what would have happened if i stayed, or wish i was back there. but i didnt and im not. ive learned to accept i will never be able to go back. the only reason i ever think of it is because i see rachel and lauren away at school having the time of their lives and i feel like im missing out. but i guess im having a new experience. and with what im going to school for i can be making atleast 50 grand year in 2 yrs while working on my bachelors degree to make more. i also wont be full of debt when i get out of school. so there you go, if anyone took the time to read this. this is what happened to me the last year and a half and i must say im stronger now than ever. i still have my weak mpments, but who doesnt? i've learned and important lesson, the only person you can control is yourself and the way you react to things. gave up

[18 Jun 2006|08:14am] [ mood | angry ] [ music | death cab-we looked like giants ] yah..i never write in here anymore but since my myspace is gone i might just have to. i just thought i'd let everyone know that..even if you havent seen a cop in your neighborhood for the 6-7 years you have lived back there..they will be there one day...you will get pulled over for going 12 over the speed limit, the cop will be an asshole, you will get a ticket and have to go to court on nicoles birthday..the day after the 4th of july. i am never speeding again. 4 |gave up

[08 Apr 2005|03:21pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | ludacris-get back ] yesterday me and morgan went to sephora and easton. at sephora i spent 110 fricking dollars. i got mascara, concealer, pink sugar perfume, eyeshadow, and lipgloss. oh well, what else would i have spent all that money i saved up on? i got the coolest purse at wet seal and i got this sequin scarf from hollister that is flipping awesome. lauren comes home today!!!!!! i can not wait until she comes over. i spent a lot of time with nicole this week and you can tell because im starting to like rap again...oh man.. 5 |gave up

[04 Apr 2005|08:41pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | papa roach-tear my heart open ] well it looks like tonight isn't going to work out. nicole isnt allowed to go out and joe got grounded so me and vince got screwed. so yah, im going to be sitting at home bored tonight. sweet, not. the one plus to me staying home tonight is when lauren calls i will be able to talk to her. really talk to her about stuff. im not going to be around anyone so i can actually tell her things ive wanted to. with my luck, she wont even call me tonight. i think i would cry. because im about to cry because i miss her so much. shes called me every other night so she will most likely call tonight too. blah blah blah..bored bored bored. gave up

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